My son Devin is 10 and will be entering the 5th grade next fall and from a Dad's perspective, these last ten years have gone by way too fast and I often want them to slow down. Devin is a good boy, not perfect, but good. He has always been honest, caring, loving, loyal, fair, kind and genuine in all his friendships. For anyone that knows him, you know this to be true. I wish that I could claim credit for this and attribute it all to be supreme parenting skills, but I can't. Oh, I have done a good job teaching him good values; honesty, self-control, respect, etc, etc. But there has always been something about Devin, something embedded in his DNA from his real Abba, which I have never had to teach him – Love for others. And it is through his love that Devin has now become my teacher. Let me explain.
As Devin enters the second decade of his life, he is learning to live with a new persona that seems to be more prominent in his world at this age. A guise that he never had to deal with before – Bullies. It seems in the last 6 months there have been a couple of bullies that have emerged in Devin's circle of friends; one from his school and one on his baseball team. You know the kind, the kid that is so insecure that he feels he needs to pick on kids smaller than himself in order feel any self-worth or significance. And this is usually backed up by parents that seem to perpetuate or condone this type of behavior. (Hug the kid already will ya!?!?)
I have had many conversation with Devin this year about how to handle bullies; when to fight back, when to stand your ground, what boundaries to draw and when to walk away. As his Dad, I am infuriated with these bullies dysfunctional behavior and I wish I could thump ‘em all on the head like Little Bunny Foo Foo picking up the field mice. But in all these situations Devin has chosen to stand his ground, not be intimidated and to not fight back.
Last week the bully on his baseball team attacked him in the dugout during a game by climbing on the top of the bench, getting behind Devin and kicking him in the back with his cleats. Devin got up and walked out of the dugout. He came back in a few moments later and sat back down. The bully honed in on him again and sat down next to him and punched him in the head. Devin looked at him and said, "I'm not afraid of you." So the bully, feeling more threatened, punched him in the chest. The coach saw it this time and got all over the kid and put a stop to it and talked to his parents after the game (I suspect that won’t do much good).
So when I found out about this I was very upset. Upset at this bully and upset that Devin didn't fight back and level the kid (just being honest)! So here is the conversation that transpired between Devin and me and where he became my teacher.
As I thought about how to approach the conversation I wanted to make sure that Devin knew that if he chose to fight back against a bully that I would not be upset. I wanted him to feel empowered to defend himself; to be the warrior when he needed to be. So I told him this and also said, "Next time a bully does something like that I want you to stand up to him and punch him in the nose as hard as you can! And if that doesn't stop him, I want you to punch him again and again until he stops. It is the only way this kid will learn! Sometimes you have to fight back. Do you understand what I am saying?"
He responded elusively "Yeah Dad, I understand." Since we have always taught him not to hit, I read into his response that he really wasn't sure that he had the green light to do this. So I stressed again the fact that he would be in trouble for defending himself. He again said he understood what I was saying.
However, I could tell that whatever I was saying to him it was causing him some conflict as he contemplated it deeply in his mind. So I tried a different approach. I said, "I know you have decided not to back down to bullies, and I admire you for that, but why don't you fight back when they are hurting you?"
He immediately began to cry (again, his Abba gave him a tender heart). I reached over and squeezed his knee and said, "That's o.k., what's wrong?”
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "Dad I can't hit them."
I wanted to say, “What do you mean you can’t? Of course you can, I just said you could!” But I refrained and simply asked why.
Through a shaky voice and tears he simply replied, "Because I don't feel God wants me to. God wants me to love them. And I don't want to hurt them."
I was humbled by his response. God instantly reminded me of the Messiah's teaching in Luke 6:27-38 as I sat there in that moment, experiencing the love of this boy who understood Jesus' teaching at his core. Not because I taught him how to respond this way (obviously), or because he has studied the scriptures and made sense of them, but because he listened to the Spirit of God guiding him in this truth. From his pure heart he understands that God loves him and out of a response and obedience to that love, Devin chooses to love God and love others unconditionally (even the bullies) in return. He has chosen to obey his heavenly Father over me, his earthly father, in this truth. And for that, I couldn't be more proud of him.
Thank you Devin for teaching me. For reminding me of what my clay heart has grown weary to. I look forward to many more lessons from you.
