Have you ever stopped to think about what (or who) shaped your belief in who you are or who you want to be?
For some, you were raised in an environment where parents, teachers, coaches, grandparents, friends, peers, boyfriends/girlfriends, pastors, cub scout leaders, and even the lunchroom lady constantly protected your heart from the attacks of the enemy's voice so you could only hear the sweet sound of your heavenly father speaking his truth into your heart unconditionally, "I love you", "I created you", "You are good", "You are lovely", "You have what it takes", "You are mine", "You are fearfully and wonderfully made", "You are worth it"!
For the rest of us we didn't have such privilege. We grew up where the enemy used all the above mentioned people and created personal situations to attack our hearts with false agreements about who we are and who we will become, all cultivated from his bag of lies.
I'm not suggesting that everything we grew up believing about ourselves is a lie. Far from it. We are who we are because our individual experiences along our journey have shaped us into who we are. God will use all people and all experiences in our life for good - if we allow him to own it. What I am suggesting is that there are those subtle agreements that we have made with ourselves (and the enemy), while on the surface seem like good, well intentioned moments, are actually quite damaging to who we are and who we want to become.
Let's take for example a parent telling their child; "You are a hard worker", or "You are a good cook", or "You are a good student", or "I am proud of you for how well you did in your game". And as these well intentioned words of affirmation are given repeatedly over time and are rewarded with the parent's love and approval, they go right to the heart of their child's self-worth. It sends a very strong message when we equate our love and approval to someones self-worth based on their performance and our own expectations. And the message, I believe, is damaging. Essentially we are saying, "I want relationship with you as long as you are performing well".
Don't think so. Then ask yourself. What if the child was not a hard worker, not a good cook, not a good student, or wasn't a good athlete? How would that same parent respond? Would he/she still be proud? Approving? Loving?
I had a parent of our baseball team tell me this weekend that they were so glad their son finally got a hit last game. He said that he didn't care if his son was a great ball player, but he was glad he got a hit because he wanted him to have good self-esteem. On the surface this sound great, but do you see the subtle tie of self-worth to performance. Basically this dad, unknowingly, is making an agreement that if his son does not perform well in baseball that somehow he will not have a good sense of self-worth. It's not the dad, it's the enemy at work here to get the dad and his son to make subtle agreements with him all under the guise of well intentioned motives.
We read about this same type of subtle attack by the enemy on Jesus in Matthew and Mark's writings. The enemy uses Peter to attack Jesus' heart, to try and get Him to make agreements about who He is, what His purpose is, who He will become. Similar to Peter there are times when these attacks come from those closest to us with the best of intentions, albeit misguided intentions. Jesus recognized it for what it was and does not even address Peter, but instead confronts the enemy directly and makes no agreements with him.
On a personal note, when I was younger, my grandpa hired my two brothers and I to rake the leaves in his backyard. I really didn't want to, but I remember thinking if I was going to to do it, I just wanted to get it done. So I jumped in and worked hard and non-stop until the job was completed. My brothers took a different approach and played in the leaves while they worked and goofed off a bit. Hey we were kids! When we were finished, my loving well intentioned grandpa sent a very strong message to me that day. This is what he did.
After we came in the house he paid my bothers each two dollars and then handed me a crisp five dollar bill. I stood there holding the fruits of my labor a bit stunned by the shear wealth that I had just received. My brothers were stunned for a different reason. They complained, "That's not fair, why does Mike get more?" To which my grandpa replied, "Yes it is fair. I stood here at the window and watched you three rake the leaves for the last hour and Mike by far worked harder than both of you and as a result deserves more money. He earned it." I agreed because I loved my grandpa's approval of me and our relationship in that moment. I went on to do many more projects for my grandpa and each time I did it for his approval.
Now I am sure if you have read this far you are thinking. What's wrong with this story. It's a great lesson on hard work, earning you keep, you get what you put into it, economics 101. And you would be right if you were thinking in terms of worldly reasoning.
When I made an agreement that day, it set me on a coarse for the rest of my life to work hard, to not stop until the job is finished, to seek the reward for a job well done, to seek approval from others for my performance, to seek acceptance from others through my efforts. As a result, I can flat out execute, I have been rewarded, I have been recognized, I have been approved of. I don't know what message that experience sent my brothers that day, what agreements they made, if any. For me I made a small agreement that I like the feeling of being accepted, loved and rewarded for my performance; so I crave it, I am addicted to it, I seek it, I am a doer of my self-worth.
My human experience has been very powerful and agreements are difficult to break, impossible on my own, but possible through relationship with the Trinity. So I am seeking each day to Sit with God, to walk with Jesus, to listen to his counselor. Through this relationship I am learning to be a be-er of my self worth.
What about you? What agreements have you made?
